Just very slightly mad
by JTheGoblinKing
Summary: Messing with David Bowie's head :-P


Disclaimer: The following is an old Labyrinth fan fiction I wrote for a Labyrinth fan fiction group years. Labyrinth belongs to Henson. Most, if not all, of the Labyrinth fan fiction I am going to post here is at least ten years old, if not older. You will see the original dates they were written placed into these documents. These fan fictions predate the canon of Return to Labyrinth.

To: .

Subject: [labyfic] Just very slightly mad Part (1 of 3)

From:

Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 19:41:24 EDT

Just very slightly mad

(The Production of Labyrinth)

(It was a listian that had practically twisted my arm in to writing

this story. It is meant to be comedic and not offensive and I do apologize

to anyone that it might potentially offend. And I truly and deeply sorry if

any of this does offend anyone. There is some adult humour, some dark humour

about drug abuse and such and it's not meant to be taken seriously at all.

And I apologize again if this offends anyone. )

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Leave me alone! Go to Hell!" The loud cries of their employer

filled the night air, disturbing the relative quiet for miles around.

"Just who is he screaming at?" Asked the young man as he walked

down the hall with the folder of legal document and unsigned contracts in his

hands.

"Oh, you know that man is an eccentric. You'll get used to it."

Replied the older man who carried the silver try with the grimy dinner

platter down the hall.

David Bowie placed his hands on his head. He sat in front of the

desk. "Leave me alone! God! Go away! Don't you have anything better to

do?"

"Actually, not right now, not really. No."

"Oh, just bugger off!"

Jareth sat on the bed just across the room from David. His legs

were crossed as he read over the latest version of "Labyrinth" script. "Oh,

really, David. I'm only trying to help you. You mustn't upset yourself so.

I don't need you having a nervous break down BEFORE the production." He

smiled as he turned the final page of the script and looked again from David

Bowie to the written words.

"Help me!? If you don't leave me alone this instant I will decline

from the role- you arrogant son of a bitch!"

He seemed to ignore the comment. A disgusted expression passed

across Jareth's countenance as he shut the script. "Now, that's the pot

calling the kettle black, now isn't it, Davie?"

David turned and looked at Jareth coldly. He was exasperated.

Jareth had haunted him since the night he had been offered the role. "Just

what do you want from me?"

"Well, for starters-" He grabbed up the scrip and threw it at

David's head.

David ducked as it hit the mirror and then fell with the pages open

to the floor.

"-this script is atrocious. It makes me seem like some sort of

pathetic, whining goblin."

"Well, aren't you?"

Jareth narrowed his eyes at him. "Insist on having Terry Jones

write it again!"

"Again?!? But that's the second one! I will not be your puppet!

If you want me to play you I'll do it as it is! It's fine." He crossed

his arms.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me." Jareth stepped over to him and

grabbed him up off of his feet by the collar of his shirt. "You are going to

tell them to have Terry Jones rewrite the script! Or would you fancy

starring in a sequel to The man who fell to Earth?"

David shuddered and then shook his head. "All right! All right!

I'll have it rewritten!"

"Good." He dropped David and as he did David fell backward in to

the near by chair.

"Bloody Hell! I've never worked with someone so difficult!"

Jareth disappears in a burst of glitter and light.

David sighed as he picked up the telephone off of his dresser.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Again?!?"" Terry Jones was exhausted. "Let me get this

straight. He won't sign on unless I write the whole damned thing AGAIN?!?!"

"That's what he said." Said Jim Henson as he poured himself yet

another cup of coffee and stirred in the cream.

He leaned back in the chair and checked his watch. He had a

meeting with Brian Froud in less then an hour to discuss the design lay out

of the major sets.

"Well, couldn't we just get another contemporary musician for the

role?" Terry asked, his wild dark hair yet to be brushed seemed like some

sort of demented mop on the top of his head.

"Look, I've tried and David is our ONLY choice. I'm afraid

you're just going to have to rewrite it=E2=80=A6 again."

"Well, what about Sting?"

"Sting is busy with the release of The Bride."

"Well, what about Freddie Mercury of Queen?"

"He cannot act and Queen is on their A Kind of Magic tour for

the motion picture, Highlander."

"What about Michael Jackson?"

"I've already considered him."

"And?"

'And he liked the goblin Muppets a little TOO much."

"Well, how long do I have to rewrite it?"

"A week."

"I'm going to lose my mind with this project!"

Jim Henson placed down his cup of coffee and muttered under

his breath "It's a little late for that, Terry."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was Three thirty in the mourning. Groggily David staggered

down the hall. He turned the doorknob and flicked on the light switch. He

was immediately assaulted by the glare of the bright light. He lifted the

lid to the toilet and then began to relieve himself.

Suddenly David felt someone watching him from behind. Quickly he

composed himself and flushed the toilet. He knew who was behind him already.

"That's pretty damned pathetic, David." Jareth said with a

repressed laugh.

"What is?"

"You know- I was under the odd assumption that you were =E2=80=A6better

equipped."

It did not take more then a moment for David to realize just what

Jareth was talking about. He looked down at himself and then he glared at

Jareth. "It's bloody well satisfied more then enough men and women to be

considered more then up to standard."

"I suppose you could wear a sock."

"I'm not going to wear a sock!"

"But, David," he repressed his laughter as best he could "it's so

tiny."

David turned around quickly. "Do you MIND giving me just three

seconds of privacy!?"

Jareth looked at him with a smug smile. "Did they send you a new

copy of the script yet?"

"It's three o'clock in the morning!"

"Yes, I know and I'm asking you, did they send you a new copy of the

script yet?"

"No."

"But you said they'd have it a week from Friday."

"Yes, it's due today, it's STILL dark out!"

"Well, fine then. Now, to more immediate matters. You ARE rather

small David. I will not have the planet think that I'm inferiour, sexually

speaking."

"'I' am the one playing you, unless you've forgotten. You won't

seem sexually inferiour, believe me."

"I want you to look like me in EVERY aspect of the word and that

includes being=E2=80=A6" Jareth could not find the right words to say it.

"'Well hung'?"

"Yes, precisely. I suppose you can wear an enhancement. Or we

could see that the camera only shows your area in comparison to very small

goblin puppets. Or you could wear very tight trousers or tights even, to

give the illusion of size. And also wear the trousers ending above your

waistline to give the seeming of length. I can't very well seem like-"

David interrupted him. "It's a CHILDREN'S film, Jareth! I havea

son, myself! For God's sake! You come in here in the middle of the night-

why can't you leave me alone?"

"Because you're just so much 'FUN' to work with." Jareth said, his

tone oozing with sarcasm.

"The feeling is quite mutual, believe me. Oh, and I looked up

your name today, 'Jareth'. Do you realize that your name was the Old Celtic

term for meaning one of royal blood though more then likely born with flaws

or problems of the genitalia? It was a common term for impotency!"

"At least I didn't name my first born son 'Zowie'! Zowie 'Duncan'

Bowie, the boy must hate you."

"Go to Hell!"

"Not before you."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Terry Jones screamed in frustration. "Just how many times does

he want me to rewrite this damned thing?"

He grabbed up the photograph of David Bowie and pinned it up to

his dark board that hung just behind the door to his office. =E2=80=A6Andever

since then no one could ever beat Terry Jones at a game of darts.

To: .

Subject: [labyfic] Just very slightly mad (Part 2 of 3)

From:

Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 19:42:29 EDT

David sat alone at the dining table. He sighed. He did not

know if Jareth would accept the script. It was just before production was

supposed to begin. He still had not even confirmed his place as the role of

Jareth yet.

Jareth appeared in a burst of glittery light.

David looked up at him without showing any sign of emotion.

"Well?"

"I read the script."

"Yes, that was the fifth one, I hope you realize!'

"It'll do."

"Then you finally approve of it?"

"No, 'YOU' finally approve of it. You had better hurry up,

David. They're setting up the lights now."

David grabbed up his jacket and rushed out the door.

At L Street Studies Jim Henson paced the floor nervously. One of

the assistance staff stepped over to him. "Should we set up the props yet,

sir?"

"Yes, go a head."

"But sir, we still don't have a Goblin King."

It was at that moment that David Bowie rushed in to the

studio. He was gasping for breath. In his right hand he clutched the

approved script. In his left hand he held five stapled packets of paper,

these were the songs he had written, very last minute under the strict

observation of The Goblin King, for Labyrinth.

His hand reached for his chest as his jacket draped around him.

After several moments he finally had caught his breath and was able to speak.

"All right. Sign me up. I'll do it."

"That's excellent." Jim Henson snapped his fingers and a young

woman rushed over to David with a contract and a pen in her hand.

"But I will only do it under provision."

"Provision?"

"Yes, I want a few=E2=80=A6." David's eyes darted up to the rafters

where a little white barn owl watched him with deep intent. "=E2=80= before

we start. I told you already that I want to write the songs for the

soundtrack."

"Yes, we know, we know. And Terry wrote the script according to

your standards."

:"I was gypped out of the sole rights to writing soundtrack of The man

who fell to Earth and I want full hands on involvement with this production."

"Can you honestly blame them, David?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, one of the key songs you wanted for The man who fell to

Earth was T V C 1 5."

"Yes, so?"

"So, it was about a drug induced hallucination that your friend,

Iggy Pop, had about his television set devouring his lover."

"It fit the premise if the film."

"You were stoned off your ass!"

He looked at Jim crossly. "Do you want me to do this or not?"

"Yes, of course I want you to do this."

"Then shut up and listen to me. I want total creative freedom

about my portrayal of your Goblin King."

"Yes, but please try to remember that he IS the villain of the

picture, David."

David's eyes nervously looked up again at the rafters where

the white barn owl stared at him with it's fierce wide eyes. If he ran out

of there at that moment would it follow him? If he boarded a jet headed for

Japan would he suddenly find himself sitting beside The Goblin King? Could

he run away. "Oh, he's not really a =E2=80=A6villain. He's more like=E2=80=A6 an

antagonist, really."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"All right! Quiet! Quiet on the set, everyone! Does anyone know

where David is?" Asked Jim Henson.

"I saw him just a few minutes ago, he said that he was going to

change in to the other costume for this take." Jennifer Connelly replied.

A young female staff member rushed over to Jim Henson. "Uh, sir.

We have a slight problem."

"What is it now?"

"David's shut himself in the dressing room. He refuses to come out

yet. He claims that he can't quite get the tights on all the way- they're

too tight."

Jim Henson rolled his eyes. "Perfect! Just perfect!"

"Should I run and check on him, sir?"

"Yes, but don't barge in on him. You know how temperamental he

can be."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

David clenched his teeth. He did not like the costume at all.

It was too reminiscent of his Ziggy Stardust days. The tights were more

then just a bit too tight. They were cutting off the circulation to his=E2=80=A6

most valued assets.

Jareth turned the chair that David sat in so that he was forced to

face him. "Not bad. Not bad at all. I must say that they did an excellent

job on you."

"You're just out to humiliate me, aren't you?" David said through

clenched teeth.

"YOU humiliated by a little glitter?!? Since when? In case you

have forgotten, David, you were made famous for being a Glam rock star! Now,

keep still. I'm almost done."

"That's not what I meant and you know it! I love glitter! Hell,I

approved most of the costume designs and intend to keep at least half of

them=E2=80=A6 but not the tights. I mean your controlling and continuous

manipulation of me. And shouldn't the make up artist be doing this?"

"Now, look, David, Angela wished you away over a decade ago. And

I was lenient. I bent the rules but now it's time for you to repay me,

understand?"

David nodded.

"Good, now just shut up and keep still until I'm finished."

Jareth dropped the make up brush after adding just a little more

make up over David's eyes. "There. You're perfect."

David stood up. His legs were barely willing to move. "I can

barely walk in these things! How do you expect me to dance?"

"You'll get used to them. And one final thing." Jareth gestured

to the crotch.

David looked down. "Oh, bloody Hell! I'm not wearing a sock!"

"You'll wear it and you'll like it!"

The young member of staff knocked gently on the room door.

She heard him speaking to himself. Was he rehearsing a monologue. "Mr.

Bowie are you all right in there?"

"Yes, I'm fine, I just have a slight pest prob-" Jareth slapped

his hand over David's mouth and answered the rest for him. "I'll be out in

just a moment. Just let me finish up in here first. Also I think I'm going

to need a new make up artist. This one spilt glitter all over the floor."

The young girl blinked. When they had told her that the man

was an eccentric they weren't joking. She walked away with a slightly

puzzled expression on her face.

Jareth retracted his hand.

"Spilt glitter?"

"Well, she didn't use enough, now did she?"

"Spilt glitter?!!? SPILT GLITTER?!?! I'll give you spilt

glitter, you f----ing bastard!" David grabbed up the small jar of glitter,

that lay on the surface top of the vanity table before the mirror, and

unscrewed the lid. He then threw it's contents in to Jareth's face.

Jim Henson himself was now growing worried over David and

walked towards the dressing rooms.

Jareth wiped his face with his hand. "For that you are going to

pay dearly!"

Seeing the rage in Jareth's eyes David tried to run to the door of

his room but he did not make it there in time. Jareth had him by the throat.

The two looking very nearly identical at this point from David's costume and

make up save for the fact that the real Goblin King had a few particles of

glitter sticking all over his face.

David dug his nails in to the flesh of Jareth's arms before he could

pass out from the loss of oxygen.

Jareth pulled back and smacked David hard in the face.

David staggered backward to the vanity. "Spilt Glitter, hmm? Why

not spilt blood!" He grabbed up scissors from the dresser that had been

used to get the "Jareth hair" just right and held them out in front of him.

A mad gleam was in David's eyes. And he did look quite capable of

murdering someone.

"Give me those before you hurt yourself!" Jareth lunged at him and

tried to pull the scissors from David.

Jim Henson stepped over to David Bowie's dressing room door and

eavesdropped in on the strange noises.

"No! Stop! Let go!" David cried.

There was a loud crashing and banging as Jareth accidentally

shoved himself and David in to the vanity mirror that cracked as David's body

slammed in to it..

"Damn it! Let go! You'll only hurt yourself!" Jareth said as he

managed to squeeze David's hands so tightly that he was forced to drop the

scissors.

Jareth made a grand gesture and the scissors vanished. "That's

better."

Jim Henson lightly knocked on the door. "Is everything all right in

there? David? David, are you all right?"

Jareth turned from the sound of the knocking. That was David's

chance to be rid of The Goblin King's tormenting for once and for all. He

grabbed the window curtain and the pole that the curtains hung on came

crashing down as the hinges fell from the wall.

Before Jareth could turn to see what David had done the curtains

were wrapped around his throat tightly.

Jareth gagged and choked for a few seconds as David held tightly

from behind, trying to strangle him. "Die! Die, you bastard! Just die!"

Jareth fell to his knees clawing at the fabric around his

throat.

At the last moment David realized what he was doing. Would he

actually murder him? Was he going mad? He loosened his grip but still he

held the curtain fabric loosely around Jareth's neck as if he would return to

strangling him at any given moment.

Jareth gasped for breath. His chest was heaving. No mortal had

ever out right attempted to murder him like that before, especially while

away from The Underground and on Earth where his powers were minimal.

"You'll pay for that, David!"

And with that Jareth disappeared.

David stumbled forward and landed flat on his face with a hard

thud. His nose was bleeding slightly from the impact.

Hearing what sounded like a great struggle Jim Henson kicked the

door, forcing the old lock to give way.

Jim stood in the doorway. The room was in shambles. The curtains lay

on the floor under David, who by now was sitting up on his knees. A little

bit of blood was trickling down to his lips. Glitter was spilt by the vanity

and the mirror was cracked and crocked, just barely hanging still on the wall.

"My God! What happened in here?"

David sniffled and wiped at the blood that was trickling down

his face. He had to think of an excuse for the mess and quickly before

everyone would think he had gone completely mad. "Umm=E2=80=A6 Just had a little

trouble with the those tight trousers, is all." He feigned a smile and

staggering just a little from the tights and the battle as David climbed to

his feet.

Jim Henson blinked his eyes, and being very observant to detail he

saw the slight trickling of blood on David's face. "David, are you snorting

up coke again?"

Sharply David replied. "No, I tripped."

The thought that ":tripping" would be more like it came to Jim

Henson's mind as he sighed. "Well, clean yourself up. You're needed on set

in two minutes."

David stood with the man named Michael squatting just under him.

David's arms rested on Michael's back as Michael prepared to play The Goblin

King's hands.

David was struggling very hard by sheer will just to keep from

laughing again.

Behind the cameras and off set, invisible from view Jareth

watched David with a cold and angry expression.

"Wait! I've got a much better plan, Hoggle!" David cried to where

the figure of the dwarf should have been standing but there was just an empty

space.

Michael turned the crystal in his hand.

"Give her this."

The ball was tossed towards the empty space.

As hard as he tried to fight it the laughter came again. There

was no good reason for it. It was just happening. Only this time it was far

worse then it had been before.

David fell backward and grabbed at his stomach as he laughed.

He laughed so hard that it was sore but he did not care. Why couldn't he

stop laughing?

"Cut! Cut! Cut!" Jim Henson cried. "David, what is the matter

with you? That was the tenth take! How many times do we have to redo this

scene?"

Tears were rising in David's eyes. "I'm sorry but I=E2=80=A6" He tried

very hard to hold it back but he could not as he continued to laughing

hysterically. "I just can't seem to stop laughing."

David fell backward and in a near fetal position continued to laugh as

Michael fell forward from the sudden loss of support that David had been,

holding him up right.

Remaining invisible from all sight but David, Jareth stepped

forward.

David continued to laugh but he wanted to scream. He could not

breathe that he was laughing so hard.

David managed to point a figure in Jareth's general direction.

"Don't you see him?!" He cried.

Brian Henson looked from left to right. "See who?"

"There! There! He's right in front of you! Don't let him near

me! He's trying to drive me mad!"

"There's no one there, David!"

David cried to Jareth. "You! You just keep away from me!

Stay back! I'm warning you! Stay back!"

Brian Froud blinked his eyes. "Just who is he talking to?"

Brian Henson shook his head. "I knew we should have used a puppet!"

Terry Jones leaned over to Jim. "He's going completely bonkers. I

heard that mental illness is inherit in his family. He should be committed!"

Jim Henson shook his head. "No, I think he's just high. I think

he's been using serious drugs again."

No one could see him but David as Jareth stepped over to him and

kneeled down. "Do you see what you get for trying to kill me, David?"

David nodded. His laughter rose in pitch and volume as all the

producers could do was sit and stare at him. The spell was too strong and

David just could not stop laughing. He was laughing and crying all at once.

Holding back as best he could because it was nearly impossible to

speak at this point David forced out "Please=E2=80=A6 I'm sorry. I"ll doanything

you ask, just make it stop!"

"Will you do as I say from now on without so much as a question?"

Jareth asked.

David could only nod.

In a split second the spell was broken and David was left sobbing,

curled in a little ball on the Labyrinth set. He would never be free of

Jareth.

To: .

Subject: [labyfic] Just very slightly mad (Part 3 of 3)

From:

Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 19:42:48 EDT

David had composed himself well enough and was sitting alone at the

table. He rubbed his temples. It was not even when he was alone anymore.

Jareth had humiliated him in front of the entire cast and crew of Labyrinth.

Jareth appeared by him. "We need to talk."

"About what now?" David asked with a sigh, simply wishing that he

would just go away.

Jareth grabbed David's right hand. He was still in costume and so

was still in his leather gloves. "A hand double? You can't even play all

of me- you have to have someone else play my hands?!"

David pulled from him. "For the crystal sequences only."

"That is more then half your camera time!"

"You know very well that I cannot pull off those juggling tricks!"

"You can play what instruments now but you can't handle a crystal

ball in your fingers?"

"I would think you would like someone else playing with your balls,

Jareth." David said with a smile.

"I have never needed someone else to handle my balls before. I

have always been quite able to handle them myself very well without a

problem." As David laughed Jareth realized what he had said a little too

late. He folded his arms and narrowed his eyes at David. "Oh, that was

cute! That was really cute! Really now, David I thought you were more

mature then that."

"Well," David said with a light chuckle. "I think you handle

yourself quite well. I certainly do hope that you're satisfied with=E2=80=A6

yourself." He laughed a little more.

"Funny, I would think that you, most certainly would be quite used

to handling balls, especially your own, David." And with that Jareth

disappeared.

David groaned and banged his head in to the table. When would this

nightmare be over with?

Frustrated, angrily he grabbed up a dish off of the table and threw

it where Jareth had been standing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone, even Jennifer Connelly Suspected that David was mad but they

managed to complete the production on schedule.

It was the night of The Labyrinth premiere.

"Where is David?" asked Jim Henson as he looked around the crowd.

"Oh, sir, he said something about not being able to make it, he had

a show to do or something." Said the young man who was a close relative of

one of the producers.

"I'm here!"

It looked like David had made it after all. And he was done up

in his Jareth attire as well.

Terry Jones smiled at David. "We thought you weren't going to make

it. Just what happened?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I changed my mind." He grinned as he

looked around the room, there were so many faces there and most were just

glad that HE was there.

"My, you're surprisingly chipper." Brain Henson remarked.

"Oh? Well, maybe I'm just really being myself tonight. And let me

tell you something.. It feels pretty damned good."

Meanwhile, somewhere quite far away David lay on the bed, his

wrists bound to the upper posts and his ankles bound to the base of the bed.

He screamed out for help. "HELP! Can anyone here me?"

Just then a fiery red creature bounded in to the room, followed by another

and then another. The firies laughed and chattered as they tossed around

their limbs.

David shut his eyes with a light shuddering. "Dear God! No!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

David sighed as he collapsed backward on to his bed. It was over

with. He was free. The film was circulating and surely The Goblin King

would now have better things to do then to torment him.

Just then a burst of glitter and light appeared before him. David

was startled and in so he rolled right off the bed. Climbing to his feet

quickly he looked to Jareth. "Just what do you want!?! It's done! I

finished your film! It's over with!"

"Not quite." Said Jareth. "We still have to discuss the matter of

the Underground music video clip."

All the colour rushed from David's face. He stood there silently for

a long moment. He did not even blink. Then finally he managed to run from

the room.

"David, wait! Where are you going?"

A loud scream echoed through the city ad David ran down the street

with his hands to his head. "No! No! No! God! Please, no more! NO!"

"Oh, well." Jareth shrugged. "You win some. You lose some."

The End


End file.
